Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?

The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis

Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

- I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!

- Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!

- I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.

- At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.

- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

- HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?

- Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

- Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.

- Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.

- Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!

- Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?

- I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.

- When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight.

- Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan? - he asked.

- Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. - Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight.

- Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan? - he asked again.

- Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. - She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said:

- What a cute little fart!

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
→ A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

1. Cain wasn't Abel.
2. Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3. King David sat on the throne for forty years.
4. Solomon - neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5. Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

- English: I Love you

- Spanish: Te Amo

- French: Je T'aimes

- German: Ich Liebe Dich

- Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

- Italian: Ti Amo

- Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

- Swedish: Jag Alskar

- Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: Nice Tits

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever........................

Milking a cow!

(And what were YOU thinking about?)

Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
→ It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing".

What do Michael Jackson and the Baltimore Orioles have in common?
→ They both walk around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
→ Yup, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the 3-year-olds!

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
→ He thought it was a delivery service.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest!

How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
→ By all the Big Wheels parked in his driveway.

And finally, I found out why Michael has cut down on public appearances... He wants to spend more time with the kids!

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

- What's wrong dearest?? - asked the confused husband.

- Oh darling, - sobbed the wife, I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???

- Well, - replied the man...

"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

- Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

- They're in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

- What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

- Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly:

- Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.

As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says:

- Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on.

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says...

- Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!