Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said:

- You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one:

- How did you do over the weekend?

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?

- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this......

O...o...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

That's admirable - said the judge.

And you, how did you do? - he asked the second boy.

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

- 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?

- Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)...o...

O I said (pointing to the small circle):

- this is your asshole before prison, ...

What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
→ Brothel Sprouts!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here's a few:

- (_!_) a regular ass

- (__!__) a fat ass

- (!) a tight ass

- (_^^_) a bubble ass

- (_*_) a sore ass

• {_!_} a swishy ass

- (o) an ass that's been around

- (x) kiss my ass

- (X) leave my ass alone

- (zzz) a tired ass

- (o^^o) a wise ass

- (E=mc2) a smart ass

- (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

- (_?_) Dumb Ass

Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?
→ Just look at your drivers license!

This crazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but plastic wrap as shorts.

The doctor walks in and tells him:

- I can clearly see your nuts!

The Perfect Day According To...

HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - SEX
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 - SEX
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - SEX
6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
→ A foursome.

What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
→ A rebel without a clue!

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
→ Last year's hide and seek champ.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
→ Divorced.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
→ A space invader.

What do you call a really smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

What does a blonde say during a porno?
→ There I am!!

What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
→ Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
→ Her IQ goes up.

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

- I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over.

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

- A female horth - the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

- Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

- Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

- OK, what about the earsth?

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

- OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat.

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says:

- Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

After much research and millions of dollars, our scientists have discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!

VIAGRA INGREDIENT LIST: (TopSecret!)

- 3% Vitamin E

- 2% aspirin

- 2% ibuprofen

- 1% Vitamin C

...and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...92% Fix-A-Flat!