Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde...
→ A naked blonde doing cartwheels!

There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!

So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says:

- Next!

He asks the first nun:

- Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The first nun says, embarrased:

- Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time...

St. Peter says:

- No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!

So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter asks the second nun:

- Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The second nun says, embarrassed:

- Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen...

- Not to worry! - laughs St. Peter.

- Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!

So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun:

- Have you ever come in cont...

Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts:

- Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!

- Be patient, child, you'll have your turn - says St. Peter.

He turns to the third one again:

- Now, have you ever come in contact with...

- Mr. PETER!!!! - The fourth one screams.

- I REALLY have to go first.

- I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!

- NO WAY! - the fourth one says, practically fuming.

- I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!

After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied:

- There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said:

- I named mine Nike...like you know...just go for it!

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said:

- I got one... Secret.

The bartender said:

- Why Secret?

Joe said:

- Well...it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

What did the banana say to the vibrator??
→ Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!

Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?
→ When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued:

- Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

- How much for a season pass?

Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?
→ Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!

Confucious say: Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger.

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed:

- Get the hell away!

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said:

- Yes!

The man replied:

- Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!