Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Why didn't the sanitary pads say hello to the Tampax?
→ Because the Tampax were stuck-up cunts!

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildo in his hands.

Sue yelled:

- You impatient fucker! You lying son of a...

Bob stopped her and said:

- I'm a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed:

- What the hell did you do that for!?

Tarzan replied:

- Always check for squirrels.

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
→ A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.

A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says:

- If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.

He grabs her butt and says:

- If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says:

- And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.

What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
→ A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.

How do we know that God is a man?
→ Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.

The door opened and a man entered.

- Forgive me Father for I have sinned - he began.

- I have stolen.

The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.

The next time the door opened, a woman walked in:

- Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner.

The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady:

- What does Father John give for a blow job?

- $12.50 if I take me teeth out.

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover:

- Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says:

- I don't feel anything.

Bruce says:

- Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says:

- I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.

Bruce starts singing:

- Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...