Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:

- I had an affair with a woman - almost.

The priest says:

- What do you mean, 'almost'?

The man says:

- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies:

- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:

- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied:

- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says:

- ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!

Wee jordy says:

- aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?

Well she says:

- i can tell by the gleam in your eye.

Walking along a bit further she says to him:

- wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss.

- well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?

- ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!

Walking along a bit further she says:

- wee jordy i can tell you want to make love to me.

He says:

- aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!

"No!" she says...

- by the tilt in your kilt!

What is 6 inches long.....
Has a big head....
Woman love it?????
→ A $100 dollar bill!

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

Your Momma is so ugly that any position is doggy style.

What is the newest game at the white house?
→ Swallowing the leader!

We have all heard of the ten commandments.

Well recently a new eleventh commandment was made. Just for President Clinton.

"Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff."

What's the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?
→ He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
11. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
12. See if they could finally do splits.
13. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
14. Cross their legs without rearranging.
15. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
16. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
17. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
18. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!

There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the showerhouse.

They were in the showerhouse and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the showerhouse, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt?

The other teenager said, "Well, I was at the beach and a fairy said she could grant me one wish", and in amazement I said - "No CRAP!"