Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
→ They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview:

- Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time:

- Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another:

- Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!

The reporter was frustrated:

- Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had.

- Well - the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, thar was that time "I" got lost...

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man:

- from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles.

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

- My God! - he said, where are your testicles?

- back in Vietnam! - the general replied.

One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnny's body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies:

- Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up.

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnny's body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says:

- Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didn't say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didn't say a thing until dad asked: did you come? and mom answered Yeah, I came and I said where were you?

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said:

- I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.

The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.

The little boy says:

- I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.

- Very good - said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. Oh no - she thought - I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says:

- Your feet.

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied:

- Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'

It was just another day and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I whipped out my Million Dollar Bar and whispered:

- Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like Crunch on My Big Hunk - she replied - Oh Henry, what a Whopper.

Well she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was pure Almond Joy. I couldn't resist her Charms and reached out and grabbed her Mounds, it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger slipped into her tight little Kit Kat as she screamed:

- Oh Henry, Oh Henry soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut's. It wasn't long before I blew my Milk Duds to Mars, which gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked about M&M, but I said:

- Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff you little Reese's pieces.

- Don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you grab my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed:

- Oh you Cracker Jack, better than the Three Muskteers - as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty when all of a sudden...my Starburst! Yeah as luck would have it she started to get Chunky, complained of a Wrigley in her stomach and nine months later out popped:

- BABY RUTH.

One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was. First she said to the children:

- I have something long and yellow behind my back.

The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said:

- no, i'm holding a bannana, but I like you all's imagination.

Next she said:

- I have something round and red.

Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny's imagination. Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher:

- I have something in my pocket that's warm and it has a head on it.

Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal's office for being soo dirty minded.

Little Johnny then said:

- No, Ms. Nelson, it's a quarter, but I LIKE YOU'RE IMAGINATION!!!

When his wife gave birth to a healthy baby, a proud father went in to work and told everybody that he has a 10Kg healthy son.

After hearing what was going on, the wife tells the father to quit telling everybody that the baby is 10Kg because he's only 4 Kg.

Next day at work, the father comes in and tells everyone that the baby is only 4 Kg.

- What do you mean, he was 10 yesterday?

- Umm, well that was before he got circumcised.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

- Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

- None - replied Johnny - cause the rest would fly away.

- Well, the answer is four - said the teacher - but I like the way you're thinking.

Little Johnny says:

- I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?

- Well - said the teacher nervously - I guess the one sucking the cone.

- No - said Little Johnny - the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking.

The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid.

The fairy godmother says:

- I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball... on two conditions!

- Anything - says Cinderella - anything!

- Okay the first condition is you have to wear a diaphram. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin - says the fairy godmother.

So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderella's still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderella's appearence... no pumpkin!

The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power.

Then Cinderella replies:

- Peter, Peter something or other?