Random joke from this category
Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other:
- My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today.
- How does he know this for sure though? - asked the other woman.
- Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself.
To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.
On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
Your loving husband.
To my dear husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.
Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was:
- Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?
The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.
Your loving wife.
You know you've been married too long when a "Quickie" before dinner now means a drink.
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere.
In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
Mother calls up stairs:
- You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!
As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says:
- Today we're gonna learn to swear!
The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.
The 5-year-old continues:
- When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!
The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.
They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them:
- Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?
The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head...
- Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!
He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.
Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately:
- Well now, what would you like for breakfast?
The 4-year-old replies:
- I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!
A little girl asked her mother:
- Can I go outside and play with the boys?
Her mother replied:
- No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough!
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked:
- If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?
I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or 6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said:
- Now you be a good boy or I'll tell Gramma how you were acting and she won't give you anymore cookies.
The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank:
- Oh yeah? Well I'll tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddy's cock!
The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.
Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...
Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce
When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.
Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled:
- Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...
- I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!
Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says:
- My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house....
"What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.
I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
Alimony:
Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.
Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.
Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.
What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.
He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.
- Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?
- Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.
