Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
→ There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse:

- I just don't know what to do with you! - he said, shaking his head.

- We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.

- I know, I know... - acknowledged the wife contritely.

- But at least I'm cutting back!

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says:

- Honey, I can explain!

- As I was coming home from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.

- While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don't use anymore.

- As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said:

- Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?

After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.

- I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free.

The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.

- I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!

- Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?

- Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!

Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her.

The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.

The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies:

- a necklace and a vibrator.

- Why? - asks the second man.

To which the other man replies:

- Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary:

- What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?

He replied:

- I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.

She asked:

- And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?

- I think I did a damn good job!

- What's an orgasm, mom?

- I don't know, dear...ask your father.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!