Business Jokes — worst jokes

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towardslegislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionarythought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch thesurface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especiallytrue in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together inan intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placementof suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offeredfor sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of requiredwarnings appears below.

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional tothe Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the DistanceBetween Them.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute ElectricallyCharged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred MillionMiles per Hour.

Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossiblefor the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where ThisProduct Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through aProcess Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappearfrom Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in theUniverse, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile. The Manufacturer Will NotBe Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain SuggestedVersions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting ThisProduct May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred MillionYears.

This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This MerchandiseShould Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion WillResult.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any MannerWhatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.

Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That ThisProcess Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Togetherby a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and WhoseAdhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of99.9999999999% Empty Space.

New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May TechnicallyBe Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, theConsumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above andBeyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the SevenNew Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That TheyCannot Be Detected.

Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When theConsumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist orWill Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in EveryMeasurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, SinceIts Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to theUser.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, IncludingThis Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally SmallSpace. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence ofThis Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advisednew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, thegovernment has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don'thave a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government onlyhas to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to sendinto battle first?"

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed.

"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?
→ "Chop chop."

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.

"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."

"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"

"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

Salesman says, "why do you ask?"

She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.

Yours very truly,
Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

VD/abcP.

P.S. Remember our slogans:

Cover your stump before you hump.

Don't be silly, protect your Willie.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."