Business Jokes — worst jokes

If airlines sold paint...

- Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

- Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

- Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

- Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

- Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

- Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

- Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

- Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

- Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

- Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

- Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

- Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

- Customer: You've got to be &%^#@ kidding!

- Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

- Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

- Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

- Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

- Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

- Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

- Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

- Customer: WHAT?

- Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

- Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

- Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

- Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

- Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

- Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

- Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

- Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

- Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

- Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

- Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

- Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

- Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

- Customer: You're insane!

- Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

• You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
• Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."
• Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.
• The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"
• Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.
• Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
• WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
• Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
• Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
• Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
• Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy."
• $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
• Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.
• The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
• Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."
• Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.

You might be a bad customer if:

• You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
• You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
• You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
• You return the coffee because it's too hot.
• You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
• You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
• You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.
• If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20.
• You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
• You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
• You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
• While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
• You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.
• You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
• You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

• Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
• Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
• Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
• After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
• Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
• If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
• If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
• Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
• If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
• When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems, my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

• Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
• Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
• Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
• Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
• Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
• Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
• STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
• Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
• Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
• Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
• Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

• American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
• Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
• You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
• You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
• Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
• Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
• You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
• You receive care packages from Europe.
• Your bologna has no first name.
• You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
• You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
• You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
• You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
• McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
• Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
• The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets

Top twenty new slogans for Valuejet Airlines:

• ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
• ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
• Join our frequent near-miss program.
• On flights, every section is a smoking section.
• Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
• Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
• Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
• Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
• Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
• The kids will love our inflatable slides.
• You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
• Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
• Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
• ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
• ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
• Bring a bathing suit.
• Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
• That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
• Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
• ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.

The top 10 things overheard in a tax preparer's office prior to the tax filing deadline:

• No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
• I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
• How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
• No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
• Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
• No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
• Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
• I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
• I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
• Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

10 signs your broker was affected by the Stock Market Crash:

• "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
• "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
• "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
• "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
• There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
• "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
• "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange."
• "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
• "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
• "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "."