Bar Jokes — worst jokes

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man, "Where did you get such a big lighter?"

The man replies, "See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he." The guy replies, "no kidding"! "You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!"

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"

A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.

One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly, "51!!" "51!!" The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast "51". This happens a few times.

Finally, the bartender speaks up. "Excuse me," He says, "But why do you ladies keep doing that?" "Well," Says one of the blondes, very bubbly, "We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!"

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges.

Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket.

The Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says "just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.

Once more the little man appears from the guy's shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket.

Bartender says "explain yourself, or leave."

Guy says "Well....

I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes!

So my first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill!

Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!"

"Third wish...

I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!"

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".

Seen in a bar near here: "We don't stand in your toilet, so please don't pee on our floor!"

A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender replies "I'm sorry, We don't serve strings"

The string, angry, runs to the bathroom and ties himself up into knots until his ends are frayed.

Then he walks back out and asks the bartender for a drink.

"Hey, aren't you the string I just talked to?" The bartender asks.

"Nope," Says the string, "I'm afraid not." (a frayed knot)

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"