At Work — worst jokes

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
• You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
• You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
• Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
11. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
12. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
13. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
14. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
15. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
16. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
17. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
18. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
19. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

You know you're too stressed if...

• You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
• The Sun is too loud.
• Trees begin to chase you.
• You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
• You can hear mimes.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
• Things become "Very Clear."
• You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.
• The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
• You and Reality file for divorce.
• You can skip without a rope.
• It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You can travel without moving.
• Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
• You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
• Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

• They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
• This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
• I was working smarter - not harder.
• Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
• I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
• I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
• I'm in the management training program.
• I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
• This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
• I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
• No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
• The coffee machine is broken.... Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
• Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
• Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
• I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
• The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
• Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
• I'm just resting my eyes.

• You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
• Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
• Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
• You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
• You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
• Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
• You sleep more at work than at home.
• You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
• Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
• You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

The top signs that you have a boring job:

• You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".
• You have visited every website in the world.
• You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
• You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
• You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
• Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
• You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
• Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
• In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in writing) must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing 350.00 Prada sneakers and carrying a 600.00 Gucci bag we assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
Human Resources Department