A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
- Doctor - says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands.
- Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?
- I don't see why not - replies the doctor.
- That's funny - says the man.
- I wasn't able to play it before.
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
- John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
- Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
- Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
- Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
- Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
- Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
- Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.
- Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup.
- Remember - the doctor said.
- don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field.
Then he added:
- By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
- Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
- Doctor: How do you feel?
- Patient: A little down in the mouth.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
- Where are you hurting? - asked the doctor.
- You have to help me, I hurt all over - said the woman.
- What do you mean, all over? - asked the doctor.
- be a little more specific.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled:
- Ow, that hurts.
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled:
- Ouch! That hurts, too.
Then she touched her right earlobe:
- Ow, even THAT hurts - she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis:
- You have a broken finger.
- Dentist: $100.00.
- Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
- Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
- Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
- Doctor: Sell!
A man walks into a doctor's office.
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
- What's the matter with me? - he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies:
- You're not eating properly.
