Worst jokes

My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of pancakes.

- Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed?

- Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.

What kind of hair do oceans have?
→ ... Wavy hair.

Why did the janitor take early retirement?
→ Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.

What's blue and sings alone?
→ Dan Ackroyd.

How do you cook vegatables in the microwave?
→ Take them out their wheelchair.

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
→ Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
→ An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.

- I've been insulted - she sobbed.

- Your mother insulted me.

- My mother! - he exclaimed.

- But she is a hundred miles away.

- I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.

He looked stern:

- I see, but where does the insult come in?

- In the postscript - she answered.

- It said: Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says:

- Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says:

- Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.

She immediately replies:

- The red-head in the middle.

- That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

- I don't like her.