A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
- Yes, please - she replied.
- Tell him Mother didn't come after all.
- Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?
- Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
One day a wife complained:
- This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.
The husband grunted and replied:
- The darn clock always was slow.
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
→ Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
- How is she now?
- She's fine. But, the dog died.
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
Steve, Bob and Jeff are all working on some very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it. After two hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer.
- So, did you tell her? - Asks Jeff.
- Yep. - Replies Bob.
- Hey, where did you get the six-pack?
- She gave it to me.
- What?! - Exclaims Jeff.
- You just told her that her husband died, and she gave you a six-pack?!
- Sure. When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steve's widow.
- Widow? - She said.
- No, no.. I'm not a widow. You must be mistaken.
So I said:
- I'll bet you a six-pack you are!
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated:
- This is where your problem is.
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded with the following account:
Chalk: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how tired she looked.
- Yeah - she said.
- I didn't sleep well last night, I had this really strange dream.
- Do tell - said her neighbor, pouring the coffee.
- Well, I dreamed I woke up and went downstairs as usual, but when I looked in the mirror my face had turned orange, and my hair was sticking straight up out of my head and was green!
- Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker or something - the neighbor said, with a grin.
- No - she said.
- It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something was wrong, but it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?
- Sure - said the neighbor.
- Everybody's had dreams like that.
- Well anyway - she continued.
- I decided to go down and get the mail, because even in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the heck if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep feeling everybody looking at me!
- Then I get a good look at myself in the big window in front of the store, and I'll be darned if I wasn't a carrot! It was such a shock I stumbled backwards and got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor down the street. The last thing I remember before I woke up was him bending over me, telling me his diagnosis.
- Wow - laughed the neighbor.
- Did you live?
- Yeah, I lived - sighed the girl.
- But the doctor said I'd be a vegetable the rest of my life.
