Worst jokes

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
→ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...

Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.

Hollindaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

A man walks in to a doctors office and says, "Doctor you must help me. I have AIDS." The doctor replies, "Are you gay?" The man answers "yes." The doctor says, "I think I can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart of prune juice.

Take ALL of the laxatives and drink ALL of the prune juice. Take a nap for a couple of hours. When you wake up your problem will be solved." The man answers, "Will that cure my AIDS?" The doctor replies, "No, but you will find out what your ass hole is really for!"

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said: "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.

The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour", The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour", The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour", and so on, until we had reached the final flavour, and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour"

"Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting, "One, two three, uhh... one, two three, uhh..."

In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?"

The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night."

The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said, "Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?"

She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"