Worst jokes

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

Pete was sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a 6-foot-tall cockroach standing on his doorstep. The cockroach punched Pete between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, Pete was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. This time, he hit Pete in the stomach and karate chopped him on the back before running away.

The third evening, Pete was again sitting at home when he heard the doorbell. He answered the door and for the third time the cockroach was there. It leapt at him and managed to stab him several times before running off.

The gravely injured Pete was barely able to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He stopped by Pete's hospital room and asked him what happened. Pete explained about the 6-foot-tall cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near-fatal stabbing.

The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around!"

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus." With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

What's an Australian kiss?
→ The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation. The pickle said to the cucumber, "I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar."

The cucumber said to the pickle, "Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad."

The penis walks by and overhears them and says, "I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up."

The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester!"

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him.

The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex. Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.

The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night - hawhawhaw. Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"