Worst jokes

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
→ A penis gives hours of fun, and a prick owns the penis.

Lawyers do it with appeal.

Lawyers do it confidentially.

Lawyers do it on a trial basis.

Lawyers do it until justice prevails.

Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.

Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

- How much does it cost for engineer brain?

- Three dollars an ounce.

- How much does it cost for programmer brain?

- Four dollars an ounce.

- How much for lawyer brain?

- $1,000 an ounce.

- Why is lawyer brain so much more?

- Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?

3 dudes die a lawyer, police man, and a doctor at the pearly gates. The police man walks up 2 saint peter and says "I have put criminals away and stopped many crimes like murder, can I get into heaven?"

- Saint Peter: um sorry we're sorta having a party so no

The doctor walks up 2 saint peter and says "I have saved many lives and helped people feel better, can I get into heaven?"

- Saint Peter: nope we're kinda busy right now

The lawyer walks up and says "I've sued many people, can I get into heaven?"

- Saint Peter: sure come on in! join the party!

The police man and the doctor walk up to saint peter and ask "why'd he get in and not us?"

- Saint Peter: we dont get many of his kind around here.

Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so he'll have some spending money in the after life. Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects. The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend. Then the lawyer approached the coffin ..... wrote out a check for $15,000 ... laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.

It was so cold last week I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

What do you call a sky-diving club for lawyers?
→ Skeet.

A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed.

"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"

"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
→ Ones a gross dirty slimy scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and ones a fish...

What do u have when their is a lawyer up to his neck in cement?
→ not enough cement