A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper:
- Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.
The gatekeeper replied:
- First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?
There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future.
In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.
These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.
In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.
Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other alphabets in the world.
The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating Russian into Polish.
Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus a verb at the end, of course.
State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test
TEST #1
MR Ducks
MR Knot
SAR
CM Wangs
LIB
MR Ducks
TEST #2
MR Snakes
MR Knot
SAR
CM BDI's
LIB
MR Snakes
TEST #3
MR Farmers
MR Knot
SAR
CMMT Pockets
LIB
MR Farmers
TEST #4
MR Mice
MR Knot
SAR
CMEDBD Feet
LIB
MR Mice
Name:
Nickname:
CB Handle:
Model: Color:
Address (RFD No.):
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):
Mamma:
Neck Shade:
[ ] Light Red / [ ] Medium Red / [ ] Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper Lower
Name of Pickup owned:
Height of Truck:
Truck equipped with:
[ ] Gun Rack / [ ] 4-Wheel Drive / [ ] Confederate Flag / [ ] 8-Track Cassettes / [ ] Load of Wood / [ ] Hijacker Shocks / [ ] Radar Detector / [ ] Mag Wheels / [ ] Dual CB Antennas / [ ] Spittoon / [ ] Camper Top / [ ] Air Horns / [ ] Mud Flaps / [ ] Toothpick Holder / [ ] Mud-Grip Tires / [ ] Raccoon Hide / [ ] Big Dog / [ ] Hunting Rifle
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:
BUMPER STICKERS:
[ ] Eat more Possum
[ ] My other car is a piece of shit too
[ ] Honk if you love Jesus
[ ] If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
[ ] Redman Chewing Tobacco
[ ] Wave if you're horny
[ ] Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit
[ ] If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky
[ ] I Brake For Nuthin'
[ ] National Rifle Association
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
Favorite Vocalist:
[ ] Reba McEntire / [ ] Conway Twitty / [ ] Loretta Lynn / [ ] Hank Williams Jr. / [ ] Randy Travis / [ ] Ray Wylie Hubbard / [ ] Tammy Wynette / [ ] Slim Whitman / [ ] Porter Wagoner / [ ] Willie Nelson / [ ] George Jones / [ ] Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
[ ] Square Dancin' / [ ] Possum Huntin' / [ ] Skinny Dippin' / [ ] Craw Daddin' / [ ] Gospel Singin' / [ ] 4-Wheelin' / [ ] Drankin' / [ ] Spittin' Backy / [ ] Bill Chip Throwin' / [ ] Honky Tonkin' / [ ] Noodlin' / [ ] Other
Name of Son(s):
[ ] Bubba / [ ] Jim Bob / [ ] LeeRoy / [ ] J.D. / [ ] Bill Lee / [ ] Bob Lee / [ ] Duke
Name of Daughter(s):
[ ] PammySue / [ ] Violet / [ ] Paulette / [ ] Daisy
Weapons Owned:
[ ] Deer Rifle / [ ] Sawed-Off Shotgun / [ ] Varmit Rifle / [ ] Log Cabin / [ ] Tire Iron / [ ] Power Chain Saw / [ ] Pick Handle / [ ] Hick'ry Switch
Number of Dogs: Type:
[ ] Blue Tick / [ ] Beagle / [ ] Black & Tan / [ ] Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem:
[ ] John Deer / [ ] McCullock Chain Saws / [ ] Budweiser / [ ] Vo-Tech / [ ] Skoal / [ ] Coors / [ ] NAPA / [ ] Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear / [ ] N.R.A. / [ ] Redman / [ ] Kodiak
Number of Dependends: Legal: Claimed:
Number of Weeks Unemployed:
Number of Welfare Checks Received:
Memberships:
[ ] KKK / [ ] NRA / [ ] Moose / [ ] PTL Club / [ ] AA / [ ] Bass Club / [ ] VFW / [ ] Quiltin' Bee / [ ] American Legion / [ ] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy / [ ] John Birch Society
Length of Right leg: Length of Left leg:
Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam: Number of Testicles Left:
Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of Primer Red? [ ] Yes [ ] No
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?
Do you own any shoes? [ ] Yes [ ] No If yes, how many?
What year did you last purchase shoes?
Are you married to any of the following: [ ] Sister / [ ] Cousin / [ ] Sow
Do you know her name?
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?
If so, why?
Can you count:
Past 10 with your shoes on?
To 21 with your fly up?
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
[ ] BO / [ ] Crabs / [ ] Head Lice / [ ] Rabies / [ ] Trench Mouth / [ ] Runny Nose / [ ] Bad Breath / [ ] Chafing
IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.
For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole.
Thrilled, he told his wife:
- Thank God! No more of those freezing Russian winters.
How do Amish teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass?
→ Most satisfactory!
A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin:
- Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby.
The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
- You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!
The missionary replies:
- No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.
The chief pauses for a moment then says:
- Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby.
Average Iraqi: Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors
Average American: Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park
Average Iraqi: Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation
Average American: Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards
Average Iraqi: Lines up by the thousands to die for country
Average American: Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty
Average Iraqi: Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West
Average American: Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies
Average Iraqi: Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise
Average American: Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die
Average Iraqi: Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest
Average American: Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip
Average Iraqi: Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius
Average American: Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein
An actual mailing:
Greetings, You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS". As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.
What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a computer?
→ A computer that never goes down on you.
