How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
→ He enters a duck.
How can you tell if a Pole is present?
→ He bets money on the duck.
How can you tell if an Italian is present?
→ The duck wins.
How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ?
→ With a Crowbar!!!!!
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said:
- Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.
Indignantly, the man said:
- Why? Don't ye believe me?!?
The only good thing to ever come out of Oklahoma:
An empty greyhound.
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class:
- Who was the greatest man that ever lived?
A girl raises her hand and says:
- I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country.
The teacher replies:
- Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for.
Another young student raises his hand and says:
- I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war. ...
- Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for.
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says:
- I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.
The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment.
- Yes! - she says - that's the answer I was looking for. She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says:
- Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies:
- I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business.
Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?
→ They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.
Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.
The two in the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open!
Sorry Texans....
A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap.
- How do you know it's one of our coyotes? - asked the Oklahoma game warden.
- Well - replied the Texas game warden - He's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped!
AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
→ Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
→ I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
→ I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
→ It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
→ If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
→ The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
→ The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.
From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex & Zen & a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June 1996.
- I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
- Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
- Gun wounds again?
- Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
- A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
- Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
- Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
- Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
- Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
- You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
- I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
- You daring lousy guy.
- Beat him out of recognizable shape!
- I have been scared shitless too much lately.
- I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
- Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
- How can you use my intestines as a gift?
- The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
