Worst jokes

Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar.

- Bartender, - he says. Give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab.

When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he's at her side.

- That was very kind of you, - she says.

- Won't you sit down?

After a few minutes of small talk, she says:

- Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings.

- I'm surprised, - says Berkowitz.

- But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs.

When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says:

- I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish.

- Well, I am, - she replies a little defensively.

- Why do you ask?

- Well, I'm Jewish, too, - says Berkowitz.

- And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount.

- Dammit, - she replies.

- I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any profit!

What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
→ A Mechanic.

Moshe Rabbinowitz decides to join the country club near his home. He goes in and is turned down flat because he does not meet their "standards."

So he enrolls in the finest schools to learn the art of being culturally rich. Moshe learns to cook the finest of foods, appreciate the best art, drive the best car, wear the classiest suits, etc. He even hires Professor Henry Higgins to educate him in the proper speech and behavior.

The big day arrives. Martin James Roget arrives at the country club for his interview.

- Tea? - the interviewer asks.

- Earl Grey, hot please.

- Hobbies?

- Polo, racket ball, hunting.

- Religion?

- Goy.

A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting.

- Why not? - said I. Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor of Jewish girls marrying Gentile boys.

- Why? - chorused the women.

And I said:

- Because why should the Jewish boys have all the bad luck?

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response: "Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I'll give you two dollars. Everybody wins."

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly:

- Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.

- One: Take out your penie-pipe.

- Two: Pull back the foreskin.

- Three: Pee.

- Four: Push back your foreskin.

- Five: Put your equipment back.

The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over:

- Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!

- Hell, whut's he doin' in there? - Joe said.

- I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' 'Two-four, two-four, two-four......'

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding...:

- I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.

His buddy replies:

- Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
→ Everyone has the same DNA.

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said:

- What a Pollack.

The Polish man said:

- I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.

- Probably, - replied the clerk.

- And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?

- Probably, - the clerk again replied.

- Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?

At this, the clerk replied:

- Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

- Come have a look over here - says Paddy.

- it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.

- That's nothing - says Sean.

- here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.

Just then, Shamus yells out:

- Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!

- What was his name? - asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims:

- Miles, from Dublin.