Worst jokes

Names to Use in Prank Calls:

- Hugh G. Rection

- Jim Nassium

- Claire Voyence

- Buster Hyman

- Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)

- Dick Peede

- Mike Hunt

- Mai Dixie Wrecked

- Jon Doe's brother Dil

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor:

- Ray, may I borrow your axe?

- Not today - Ray replied - I have to make soup.

- What kind of excuse it that?! - demanded Joe.

- Well - confessed Ray - I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as another.

A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it," or "The smeller's the feller."

Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.

- Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa 1880 - see also "SBD's").

- Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled pride.

- Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having left the room.

- Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.

- Fudgies: See Wet Ones.

- One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.

- Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.

- SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law of Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously.

- Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.

- Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.

- Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.

- Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking funny.

- Whiffers: see Poohs.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of indians. They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that there are hundreds of indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realise, they were surrounded. The indians had spread out. They were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says:

- Tonto, my firend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together but now I think we are doomed.

- We? - replied Tonto - What's all this we, Paleface?

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said:

- Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction.

- Let's call the boys Towards and Away - suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons:

- Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.

They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband.

- My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys? - she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

- We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.

- Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.

- Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away....

BREAKFAST

- 1/2 grapefruit

- 1 slice whole wheat toast

- 8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH

- 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast

- 1 cup steamed zucchini

- 1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

- rest of the package of Oreo cookies

- 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream

- 1 jar hot fudge

DINNER

- 2 loaves garlic bread

- 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza

- 1 large pitcher of beer

- 3 Milky Way candy bars

- 1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not ones of personal fuel.

The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS program. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laugh too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
→ There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
→ There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
→ Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
→ To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
→ So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
→ An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
→ Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
→ Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
→ There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
→ So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
→ That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
→ The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
→ When it's a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
→ A Communist!

Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
→ Shhh! Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
→ So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
→ Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
→ A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
→ They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
→ To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
→ Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
→ They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
→ A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
→ So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
→ Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
→ When it's a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
→ There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
→ So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
→ When it's a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
→ They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
→ So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
→ They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
→ Smash my horse, please!

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
→ Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
→ Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
→ To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
→ When he's a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
→ They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
→ A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
→ Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
→ So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
→ A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
→ They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
→ Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
→ To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
→ So that forks will marry them!

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!