A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks:
- What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?
The little girl replies:
- I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says:
- I thought Barbie comes with Ken.
- No - said the little girl - She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.
They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
- The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.
The American frowned:
- Russian roulette's not a very nice game.
The diplomat smiled:
- That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
- I'll show you how.
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.
- You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex - he told the American.
- That's great - the ambassador said - but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette.
- Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal.
Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.
The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.
He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom:
- who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the castle at noon, the following Sunday.
Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.
Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.
The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.
The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired.
The king went up to him, and said:
- Congratulations, you are the only one worthy enough to marry my daughter.
And the suitor replied:
- Forget your daughter, I want your cow!
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
- I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms.
- Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed:
- Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?
The older boy replied:
- As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon.
At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said:
- Have you two learned your lesson?
- Sure, Dad! - said the big brother - But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth.
- Ah yes! - said the farmer - BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!
A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
- What the hell happened? - asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.
- I'm not really sure - the man replied, rubbing his red cheek - When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it.
There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.
Up walks a so called lady of the night. She says:
- For $300.00, I'll do anything you want.
Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:
- Ok. Paint my house, bitch!
A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool.
The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender blow job.
The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.
The man said:
- Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard.
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks:
- Do you do custom work?
- Why of course!
- Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.
- No problem - says the artist - Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
- That doesn't look like them! - she complains loudly.
- Oh yes it does - the artist says indignantly - and I can prove it. With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
- Well, what do you think? - the woman asks, spreading her legs - Do you know who these men are?
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says:
- I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!
