Worst jokes

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

- Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied:

- First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled:

- Um...no.

- -or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted:

- -or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident - the lawyer's voice rising in indignation - leaving her penniless with three children?

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply:

- I had no idea...

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:

- -so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

The lawyer says as he looks at his watch:

- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all

- Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room - he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says:

- Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

- But how? - inquires the lawyer.

- You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.

Answers the representative:

- Oh, we did look. But your client didn't.

A very very rich gentleman dies, leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

- Father - she said - How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?

- My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be - he replied.

- Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!

A guy in a bar. The bartender asks him:

- What'll you have?

The guy answers:

- A scotch, please

The bartender hands him the drink, and says:

- That'll be five dollars

to which he replies:

- What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender:

- You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy:

- Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says:

- What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!

The guy says:

- What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life

to which the bartender replies:

- I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.

To which the guy replies:

- Thank you! Make it a scotch.

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated!

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

TOP 10 McGreevey jokes....

10. NJ state bird - swallow.
11. New Jersey Turnpike renamed Hershey Highway.
12. NJ raises terror alert level to lavender.
13. We know he didn't like bush, but this is ridiculous.
14. Now we know why McGreevey enjoyed "polling" so much.
15. What does McGreevey and the Israeli navy have in common? Jewish seamen.
16. NJ DMV now calls rear-end accidents a "mcgreevey".
17. Gives new meaning to "stuffing the ballot box".
18. Post headline: "McGreevey goes down!"
19. It shouldn't take McGreevey long to get out of the governor's mansion - he's already got all his schitt packed!

How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to beat up a black motorist?
→ None. He fell down the stairs.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.