Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said:
- It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.
Another said:
- No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.
The last said:
- Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
Handy guide to modern science:If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving bythe regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the humanbrain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics 1.
You can't win. 2.
You can't break even. 3.
You can't quit the game.
New scientific theoriesGRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on itsfeet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the butteredside facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to theback of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above theground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replacepneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.
New scientific theoriesHONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the Englishlanguage is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in onegeographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"his car and invest in "erl wells."
New scientific thoeries1st RunnerUp- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in aninfinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number ofshotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they willeventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
New scientific theories2nd RunnerUp- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawnto equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure changeoutside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, sothey must yawn to even it all out.
New scientific theories3rd RunnerUp- Communist China is technologically underdevelopedbecause they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet meansthe Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicatetheir ideas at a faster rate.
