An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
- So, what is it? - grumbled the governor.
- Judge Garber has just died - said the attorney, and I want to take his place.
The governor replied:
- Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying:
- you do God's work.
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying:
- you protect the public.
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying:
- you serve the justice system.
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought:
- Why not call him up?
He calls up the lawyer.
- Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?
The lawyer responds:
- A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says:
- Well, no sir, I'm...
- Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point.
- I'm terribly sorry...
- Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?
The worker is completely humiliated at this point.
- I am sorry sir, please forgive me...
- The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
- As I'm sure you can understand - she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question. She leaned forward.
- Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?
- Honest? - replied the job prospect. Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.
- Impressive. And what sort of case was that?
He squirmed in his seat and admitted:
- My dad sued me for the money.
A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night.
- Dad, listen - he shouted, I've finally settled that old McKinney suit.
- Settled it! - cried his astonished father. Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled.
- My BMW! My BMW! - he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out:
- Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!
The lawyer, horrified, screamed:
- My Rolex! My Rolex!
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
- I'm an attorney - the wincing man said, and this is going to cost you $5000.
- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry - the concerned golfer replied. But I did yell 'fore'.
- I'll take it - the attorney said.
- How can I ever thank you? - gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
- My dear woman - Darrow replied, ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
- A million dollars - he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million.
- I want to give a million to my family - he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear:
- Three million dollars.
- Why so much more than the others? - asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied:
- If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.
