Worst jokes

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.

The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says:

- Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly.

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap:

- Hey! Whats the shotgun for!? - Santa yells.

The inspector says:

- Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff.

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

- How about some perfume? - he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

- That's a bit much - said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

- Thats still quite a bit - Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve . . . 'til I take that first bite.

Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
9. You're serving reindeer pot pie
10. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
11. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun
12. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
13. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
14. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
15. Two words: tinsel rash

Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
11. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
12. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
13. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
14. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
15. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
16. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
17. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
18. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
19. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Department Store Santa Peeves

8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
10. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
11. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
12. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
13. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
14. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
15. Two words: lap rash

8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
10. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
11. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
12. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
13. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
14. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
15. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

- Why are you crying? - the father asked.

- Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken. - answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

- What are you so happy about? - he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied:

- There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
10. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
11. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
12. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
13. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list
14. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
15. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"