A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her:
- Do you want them mounted?
Blushing, she said:
- No. Holding hands will be fine.
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk. He replied:
- Who said that?!
Once again he heard the same thing:
- Jesus is watching you!
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was.
The parrot replied:
- Cornelius.
The robber said:
- What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!
The parrot said:
- The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says:
- Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk:
- Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun - the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says:
- Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says:
- SHHHH, they're getting closer...
- Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?
- Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
- Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
- Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
- Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.
- Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant? - he asked.
- That's the elephant's trunk, dear - she replied.
- No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs? - asked the boy.
Embarrassed, the mother replied:
- Oh, it's nothing, son.
She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.
While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked:
- Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?
- That's the elephant's penis, son - explained the father.
- Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her? - the boy asked.
Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied:
- I've spoiled that woman, son!
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says:
- What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!
His friend replies:
- I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
- Oh, about $200 today - said the rancher:
- But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out.
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer:
- Here - he said:
- is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now.
