Worst jokes

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

- I did a terrible thing - sniffed the drunk. Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.

- That is awful. And now that she is gone you want her back, right?

- Right! - said the drunk, still crying.

- You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?

- Oh, no. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- One penny?!

The barman replied:

- Yes.

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?

- Certainly sir, but all that comes to real money.

- How much money?

- Four cents.

- Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?

- Upstairs with my wife.

- What's he doing with your wife?

- Same as what I'm doing to his business.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June, and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough.

- Then in July, my father died, leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month, nothing!

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest:

- Father, what causes arthritis?

- It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, - the priest replied.

- Imagine that - the drunk muttered.

He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

- I don't have arthritis, Father, - the drunk said.

- but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.

This lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage.

- Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? - they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day she saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady.

She paused and said:

- Yes?

and the bird said:

- You know.

There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells:

- QUIT IT!

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says:

- Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says:

- By the way, what did the chicken do?

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only 20 dollars to spend. The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only 20 dollars.

- But, there is a possibility! - he said.

And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said:

- You can have this myna bird for 20 dollars, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary.

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the 20 dollars, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like.

After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

- Who is it!? - shrieked the myna bird.

- It's the butcher! - said the man.

- Who is it!? - repeated the bird.

- Lady, it's the butcher! ... Who is it!?

- Lady, it's the butcher!

- Who is it!? (now exasperated beyond limit)

- Lady! I said it's the GXxxXaXxed butcher!

- Who is it!?

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door.

The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says:

- Oh my god! Who is it?!

...and the myna bird promptly says:

- It's the butcher!!!

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says:

- I'm going to become a lion tamer.

The other replies:

- That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.

- Yes I do!

- Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?

- Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.

- Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?

- Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.

- Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?

- Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.

- Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?

- Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.

- Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?

- Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.