Worst jokes

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said:

- Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?

- Hey, thanks! - the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked:

- Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?

The farmer said:

- Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there.

The fair young lady said:

- How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?

The farmer said:

- I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

The young lady said:

- Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!

What did one flea say to the other flea?
→ Shall we walk or take a dog?

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A bloke walks into a pub with a frog on his head. The bar attendant asks:

- What's that on your head?

The frog says:

- I don't know, it started out as a wart on my bum!

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.

- Good work! - says the bartender.

He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand. After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender:

- What was that all about?

The barkeep says:

- Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt.

Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves. After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Bill says:

- Hey, Mike, look.

"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."

Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says:

- Mike, I think you really ought to see this.

- Not now! - Mike says again.

- Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?

Bill's voice starts to waver:

- Mike, please, just look!

Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops. Mike takes in the sight and gasps:

- Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father:

- Dad, what's that thing hanging down?

- That's the elephant's trunk - replies his father.

"No, I mean at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"That's funny," mused the little boy, "Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing."

"Well," said the smiling father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman."

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure. The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guy walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks.

The next night the same guy and the same thing happens. The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes outside and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says:

- O.K. you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.

The cowboy said:

- I told him my privates are bigger than his.

'O.K. but how did you make him cry?'

The cowboy replied:

- I proved it to him.