A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win?
God replied, How about buying a ticket first?
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked:
- On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?
- Yes - whispered the girl, her head bowed.
- And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax? - the lawyer continued.
- Oh no - she replied.
- I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis.
Why did the blonde get fired from her job working at an M&M factory?
→ She kept throwing out all of the W's!
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
→ You can park in handicapped zones.
Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
→ So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills.
A blonde wanted to sell her old car, but nobody wished to buy a car with 250,000 miles on it. So, she tells her brunette girlfriend at the salon about her problem, and the brunette suggests she take the car to a mechanic friend of hers, who will turn the meter back by 200,000 miles. The blonde thinks this is a sound suggestion and does so.
About a month later, the brunette sees her blonde girlfriend in a store and says:
- Did you ever sell your car?
- No - says the blonde.
- Why should I? It's only got 50,000 miles on it.
WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
→ It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
→ The noise gave her a headache.
WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
→ From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
→ She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
→ They don't know the route.
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
→ So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
→ Elvis has been sighted.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
→ Some traffic signs say stop.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
→ The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
→ She turned it over and used the other side.
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
→ "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
How does a blonde commit suicide?
→ She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
How do you plant dope?
→ Bury a blonde.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
→ Wave to her.
How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
→ With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
How does a blonde get pregnant?
→ And I thought blondes were dumb
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
→ (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
How do you kill a blonde?
→ Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
How do blondes pierce their ears?
→ They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
How do you drown a blond?
→ Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
→ Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
How does a blonde high-5?
→ She smacks herself in the forehead.
How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
→ Flattered.
What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
→ A know-it-all bitch.
What is every blonde's ambition in life?
→ To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE?
→ Hair transplants.
WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
→ Third Grade.
What do you do when you notice a blonde on the street?
→ Nothing. Do they exist?
Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
→ Under "Home Improvements."
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"
