Worst jokes

- Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.

- Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.

- Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.

- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

- Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.

- Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.

- CPU is always in powersave mode.

- CPU not connected to the bus.

- Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)

- Cranio-rectally inverted.

- Cunning as a dodo bird.

- Cursor's flashing but there's no response.

- Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.

- Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.

- Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.

- Defective hard drive / boot sector.

- Dense as a London fog.

- Diarrhea of the mouth constipation of the ideas.

- Differently clued. -- Dave Clark

- Dock doesn't quite reach the water.

- Does aerobics... in his head.

- Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.

- Doesn't adjust for leap years.

- Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.

- Doesn't have a round in every chamber.

- Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.

- Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.

- Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.

- Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.

- Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

- Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.

- Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.

- Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.

- Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.

- Doesn't just know nothing doesn't even suspect much.

- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing

- Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.

- Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.

- Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.

- Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.

- Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.

- Downhill skiing in Iowa.

- Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.

- Driving at night with the lights off.

- Driving with two wheels in the sand.

- Dropped his second stage too soon.

- Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.

- Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.

- During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

- Ears are redirected to /dev/null.

- Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.

- Echoes between the ears.

- Eight pawns short of a gambit.

- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.

- Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.

- Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.

- End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock

- Enjoys listening to telemarketers.

- Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.

- Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.

- Evidence for the theory of a missing link.

- Failed the Turing test.

- Fell out of the family tree.

- Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.

- Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.

- Finds a flat by swapping tires.

- Finds canonical humor collections amusing.

- Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.

- Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.

- Fired her retro-rockets a little late.

- Flaky.

- Flat out like a lizard drinking.

- Flying/landing on one engine.

- Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.

- Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.

- Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.

- Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.

- Forgot to pay his brain bill.

- Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.

- Four bits shy of a full DEC.

- Four cents short of a nickel.

- Full of wisdumb.

- Full throttle, dry tank.

- Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)

- Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.

- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

- Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.

- Gears grind/don't always mesh.

- Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.

- Gets his orders from another planet.

- Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.

- Gets parity errors under load.

- Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.

- Goalie for the dart team.

- God might still use him for miracle practice.

- God's favorite target for lightning strikes.

- Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.

- Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.

- Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.

- Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.

- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

- Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.

- Gyros are loose.

- Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.

- Had a head crash.

- Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain

- Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.

- Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.

- Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.

- Has a bus fault problem.

- Has a few wait states.

- Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.

- Has a leak in his ceiling.

- Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

- Has a pulse, but that's about all.

- Has a random memory fault.

- Has a slow clock.

- Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)

- Has a two-bit operating system.

- Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.

- Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.

- Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.

- Has change for a seven dollar bill.

- Has FINO (first in never out) memory.

- Has his brain on cruise control again.

- Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.

- Has it floored in neutral.

- Has no discretionary intellect.

- Has no upper stage.

- Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.

- Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.

- Has resonance where others have brains.

- Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".

- Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis

- Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.

- Has the brains of a house plant.

- Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.

- Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.

- Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.

- Has the mental agility of a soap dish.

- Has the personality of a snail on Valium.

- Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.

- Has two brains one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

- Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.

- Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.

- Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.

- Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.

- He can only type in upper case.

- He can push but he can't pop.

- He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.

- He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.

- He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

- He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.

- He writes blank checks on a closed account.

- He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to

- He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.

- He's a General Protection Fault trigger.

- He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.

- He's diagnosable.

- He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

- He's not stupid he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

- He's so dense, light bends around him.

- He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.

- Hears everything that a dog can.

- Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.

- Her access time approaches infinity.

- Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.

- Her blender doesn't go past "mix".

- Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.

- Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.

- Her cache is incoherent.

- Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.

- Her dialing thumb must be broken.

- Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.

- Her files are compressed 100%.

- Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.

- Her input pipe is broken.

- Her interrupt handler hit a loop.

- Her leads need resoldering.

- Her learning curve is fractal.

- Her lint trap is full.

- Her lists are unlinked.

- Her memory is truly random-access.

- Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.

- Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.

- Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.

- Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.

- Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.

- Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.

- Her objects are not fully oriented.

- Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.

- Her random access is the same as her sequential access.

- Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.

- Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.

- Her stack has been corrupted.

- Her synapses are about |that| far apart.

- Her system file has zero bytes.

- Her tires are a little low.

- Her wipers don't touch the glass.

- Her word length is zero bits.

- Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.

- High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.

- His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.

- His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up.

- His accumulator overflows at zero.

- His actual mileage varies.

- His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.

- His boot block is in a bad sector.

- His brackets are mismatched.

- His brain could be the perfect dielectric.

- His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.

- His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.

- His buffer is full.

- His clutch is slipping.

- His data bus stops for red lights.

- His deck has no face cards.

- His elevator is stuck between floors.

- His face is on a coin... On the edge.

- His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.

- His freelist is empty.

- His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.

- His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams

- His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.

- His head whistles in a cross wind.

- His home planet is flat.

- His IQ is a false positive.

- His jack can't get the car off the ground.

- His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.

- His mind is great at error magnification.

- His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.

- His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.

- His mind is write-protected/write-only.

- His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.

- His mind wandered and never came back.

- His motto is: Space, the final frontier.

- His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.

- His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."

- His page was intentionally left blank.

- His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".

• His pointers are null / uninitialized.
• His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
• His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
• His root file system isn't mounted.
• His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
• His shared libraries aren't installed.
• His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
• His spark can't jump the gap.
• His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
• His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
• His string's aren't null-terminated.
• His strip is demagnetized.
• His system administrator is never in.
• His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
• His URL denies outside access.
• His watch dog is sleeping.
• His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
• Hitler's evil twin.
• Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
• Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
• I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
• If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
• If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
• If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
• If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
• If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
• If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
• If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.

- If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.

- If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.

- If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

- If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.

- If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.

- If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.

- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

- If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.

- If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.

- If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.

- If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.

- If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.

- If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.

- If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.

- If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.

- If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.

- If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.

- If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.

- If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.

- If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.

- If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

- If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.

- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

- Ignorant, and proud of it.

- Immune from any serious head injury.

- Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.

- In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.

- In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.

- In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said:

- No, thanks.