Worst jokes

- If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!

- You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.

- A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

- You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

- They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?

- You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

- You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

- Eventually, you will get what you asked for.

- Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

- You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

- You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!

- You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!

- At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

- You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

- You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.

- They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world. Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.

- You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?

- Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.

- Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

- You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.

- You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

- Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.

- Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

- I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.

- I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.

- Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can't take the credit.

- This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

- Look, don't go to a mind reader go to a palmist I know you've got a palm.

- Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!

- I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

- We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.

- Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?

- I'd like to break the monotony where's your weakest point?

- The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

- I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!

- You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.

- You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

- Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

- $HOME = /dev/null.

- 3K RAM free, no EMS.

- A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.

- A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.

- A 20th century man... The guy has no future.

- A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.

- A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.

- A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.

- A couple of slates short of a full roof.

- A couplet short of a sonnet.

- A cup and saucer short of a place setting.

- A day late and a dollar short.

- A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.

- A doughnut short of being a cop.

- A few beads short in her rosary.

- A few beans short of chili.

- A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.

- A few birds shy of a flock.

- A few blocks short of a filesystem.

- A few bombs/melons short of a full load.

- A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load / pile.

- A few chips short of a cookie.

- A few clowns short of a circus.

- A few clues shy of a solution.

- A few cold solder joints.

- A few ears short of a bushel.

- A few feathers short of a whole duck.

- A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.

- A few fish short of a string.

- A few french fries / one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.

- A few guppies short of an aquarium.

- A few inches short of a foot/yard.

- A few kernels short of an ear.

- A few kopeks short of a ruble.

- A few links shy of a chain.

- A few measures short of a staff.

- A few open splices.

- A few peas short of a pod/casserole.

- A few pickles short of a jar.

- A few pies short of a holiday.

- A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.

- A few points short of a polygon.

- A few revisions behind.

- A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.

- A few screws loose.

- A few shrimps short of a barbie.

- A few spoons short of a full set.

- A few straws shy of a bale.

- A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.

- A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.

- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

- A few volts below threshold.

- A few yards short of the hole.

- A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?

- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

- A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.

- A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.

- A lap behind the field.

- A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)

- A looney tune.

- A medical mystery.

- A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits

- A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.

- A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.

- A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill

- A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.

- A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.

- A notch off the timing mark.

- A one-bit brain with a parity error.

- A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.

- A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

- A prime candidate for natural deselection.

- A quart low.

- A return with no gosub.

- A room temperature IQ.

- A semitone flat on the high notes.

- A square with only three sides.

- A steering wheel / few bolts short of a Yugo.

- A teapot with a cracked lid.

- A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.

- A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.

- A VGA card and a Herc monitor.

- A victim of retroactive birth control.

- A violin minus the bow.

- A walking argument for birth control.

- A wind-up clock without a key.

- About half smart.

- Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.

- Airhead / bubble-brain.

- Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.

- All booster, no payload.

- All crown, no filling.

- All foam, no beer.

- All hammer, no nail.

- All hat and no cattle.

- All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.

- All his eggs in the same basket.

- All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.

- All icing, no cake.

- All lime and salt, no tequila.

- All missile, no warhead.

- All of his bytes are odd.

- All shot, no powder.

- All the lights don't shine in her marquee.

- All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.

- All wax and no wick.

- Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.

- Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

- Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.

- Always needs to have jokes explained.

- Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

- An 8080 in a 68000 environment.

- An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)

- An Apple //e on UUCP.

- An early example of the Peter Principle.

- An ego like a black hole.

- An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.

- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

- An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.

- An inch short and a stroke early.

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- An XT clone in a Pentium zone.

- Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.

- Answers the door when the phone rings.

- Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac

- As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.

- As bent as a corkscrew.

- As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.

- As happy as if he had brains.

- As happy as the village idiot.

- As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)

- As much use as a lead parachute.

- As quick as a corpse.

- As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)

- As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.

- As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn

- As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.

- As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.

- As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.

- As thick as champ. (Irish champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)

- As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.

- As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

- Attic's a little dusty.

- Back burners not fully operating.

- Bad spot on the disk.

- Baler done run out of twine.

- Bandwidth limited.

- Barney's his hero.

- Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.

- Bats in the belfry.

- Batteries not included.

- Been napping in front of the ion shield again.

- Been playing with his wand too much.

- Been playing with the pharmacy section again.

- Been short on oxygen one time too many.

- Been using her head as a mass driver.

- Blew his O-rings.

- Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.

- Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.

- Blown/leaking head gasket.

- Born a day late and like that ever since.

- Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.

- Born ugly and built to last.

- Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.

- Brain is running on empty.

- Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.

- Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.

- Brain transplant donor.

- Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.

- Bright as Alaska in December.

- Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.

- Brings binoculars to submarine races.

- Broadcasts static.

- Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.

- Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.

- Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

- Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.

- Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.

- Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

- Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.

- Calls people to ask them their phone number.

- Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

- Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.

- Can easily be confused with facts.

- Can only remember her old passwords.

- Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.

- Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.

- Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.

- Can't program his way out of a for-loop.

- Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.

- Carrier wave unmodulated.

- Carries a tire gauge in her purse.

- Cart can't hold all the groceries.

- Cauliflower for brains.

- Changes hands and picks up a stroke.

- Charming as a carbuncle.

- Cheats when filling out opinion polls.

- Cheezwiz for brains.

- Chimney's clogged.

- Clock doesn't have all its numbers.

- Collects cards for Craig.

- Communications with him is limited to ping.

- Confused as a baby in a topless bar.

- Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.

- Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.

- Contributes to the population problem.

- Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.

- Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.

- Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.

- Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.