Worst jokes

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."

- Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

- Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

- Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

- Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

- Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

- Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.

- "Jaws of Life" in trunk.

- The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.

- When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"

- You realize too late that it is your father's Oldsmobile.

- Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.

- The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

- You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"

- Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."

- Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.

- The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"

- Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.

- Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.

- WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!

- Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.

- Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.

- Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.

- Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy."

- $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas

- Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.

- The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)

- Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."

- Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.

- What do you mean today's our anniversary?

- Can we not talk to each other tonight?

- I'd rather just watch TV.

- Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

- And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

- Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

- Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

- I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

You know you're having a bad day when...

- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

- Your income tax refund check bounces.

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

- You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

- You put both contacts into the same eye.

- Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

- Nothing you own is actually paid for.

- Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

- The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

- You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

- The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

- People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

- When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

- You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

- You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

- Broken Bag-O-Glass

- Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit

- Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook

- Timothy McVays home Chemistry set

- Switchblade Barney

- Pork-n-Beany Babies

- Make your own moonshine kit

- Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)

You know you're too stressed if...

- You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.

- The Sun is too loud.

- Trees begin to chase you.

- You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

- You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

- You can hear mimes.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

- Things become "Very Clear."

- You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

- The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

- You and Reality file for divorce.

- You can skip without a rope.

- It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You can travel without moving.

- Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

- You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

- Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

- You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

- The homeless are invisible.

- The subway makes sense.

- The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

- You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

- You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

- Your door has more than three locks.

- You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

- Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

- The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

- You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

- You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. You complain about having to mow it.

- You are a skee-ball juggernaut.

- You consider Westchester "Upstate".

- You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

Things you'll never hear a dad say:

- Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

- You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

- Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

- What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

- Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.

- Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

- No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

- Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

- Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.