Worst jokes

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said:

- Sugar, sugar?

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked:

- Honey, honey?

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said:

- Ham, pig?

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says:

- Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says:

- Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says:

- You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!

- Wow! - say the other two.

- That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?

- No, but it happened to me sister! - replies the Irish guy.

There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.

It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.

A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.

They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.

They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief nods and simply says:

- Yes...seen plane crash

When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed:

- We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!

The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked:

- Did you eat their legs?

The chief replied:

- We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!

Another rescuer asked:

- Did you eat their arms?

The Chief said:

- We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!

Finally, another rescuer had to ask:

- Did you..you know...eat their...things?

The cheif says:

- NO, you idoit!... even cannibals know that...

"THINGS go better with Coke!"

Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:

- It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked:

- Honey, are you feeling all right?

- Not really - the blonde replied.

- I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train.

- Poor dear - Mom said.

- Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?

- I couldn't - she replied.

- there was no one there.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said:

- Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.

He said:

- Certainly, honey - and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise:

- Say - said the druggist.

- aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?

- Yes, I am - said the officer.

- Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

- A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments:

- See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold:

- Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.

Again the wife bugs her husband:

- Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale:

- And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells:

- That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:

- Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk:

- why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?

The clerk answers:

- D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!

The teacher says:

- Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says:

- Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.

Teacher says:

- Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!'

- Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!

- What's come over you?

- 2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pack of cards!

- I'll deal with you later.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!

- I see your point.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pair of curtains!

- Pull yourself togerther man!

- Doctor Doctor - I have 59 seconds to live!

- Wait a minute will ya!