Worst jokes

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.(why wait that long)
2. Thou shall not do drugs.(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights.(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7. Thou shall not skip class.(just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not strip in class.(Hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex.(like Nike says, "just do it")
10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.(just leave'm in the middle)

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says:

- You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.

During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

The defendant replied:

- Your Honor, that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."

- I can't see why you'd punch a man for that - interrupted the judge.

- Wait, there's more...

When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said:

- Because everything's coming up Rose's.

- THAT'S when I hit him!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

- Well I can see that - she said.

- But what is so exciting about a period.

- Damned if I know - said Johnnie.

- But this morning my sister said she missed one....

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most...

- When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .

- Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person:

- How much are the washer and dryer?

- Five dollars for both of them - the salesman said.

- Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me! - the man replied sarcastically.

- No, that's the price - the salesman said.

- Do you want to buy them or not?

- Yeah, I'll take them! - the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

- How much? - he asked.

- Five dollars for the system - the salesman answered.

- Is it stolen? - the guy asks.

- No - said the salesman.

- It's brand new, do you want it or not?

- Sure - the customer replied.

He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.

- How much?

- Five dollars - was the familiar response.

- I'll take that too! - the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him:

- Why are your prices so cheap?

The salesman said:

- Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

- What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order: A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David. After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said:

- I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads:

- Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

- Sixty is the worst age to be - announced the 60 year old.

- You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!

- Ah, that's nothing - said the 60 year old.

- When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !

- Actually - said the eighty year old.

- Eighty is the worst age of all.

- Do you have trouble peeing too? - asked the sixty year old.

- No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all.

- Do you have trouble taking a crap? - asked the 70 year old.

- No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said:

- Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?

To which the eighty year old replied:

- I don't wake up until ten!