Worst jokes

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route.

At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked:

- What's your name?

- Patty - she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.

On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him "Special Ross."

Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.

Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.

On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking...

- Dang, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

- How do they feel? - asks the sales clerk.

- Well they feel a bit tight - replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

- Try pulling the tongue out - the clerk says.

- Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth. (DOH!)

These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.

- Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?

- Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'? (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

- I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?

- Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites? hahahaha... what a bone head!

- Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs? hmmm...

I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you?

- I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck. (No...that's your brain miss-firing.)

- I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months. (I know...how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

- I need a color photograph of George Washington. (Ok...hold on... I'll check with the caveman...)

- Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said:

- No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

- Stop! You can't do this! - exclaimed the brother.

- And why not? - asked Stan.

- Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient:

- C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother:

- You're SURE you want a nephew?

- Yes - the brother replied.

- It would be an honor!

- Well congratulations, you're holding him!

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

- Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love.

The old man replied:

- I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

- My god! What happened to you? - the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

- I got in a tiff with Riley - whispered Kelly to the beertender.

- Riley? He's just a wee fellow - the barkeep said surprised.

- He must have had something in his hand.

- That he did - Kelly said.

- A shovel it was.

- Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?

- Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit. - Kelly said.

- And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled:

- Stop fucking her down there!

- What's the matter with you? - asked the husband after the sailor came back down.

- We weren't doing anything.

- Sorry - said the sailor.

- from up there it looked like you were.

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

- By golly, he's right - said the husband.

- It DOES look like they're fucking down there!

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

- WHAT FOR?!?!? - he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud:

- Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

- That's all right. You don't have to pay now.

The guy replied...

- I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!