Worst jokes

Isn't this the truth!...

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

- Why are you eating grass? - he asked one man.

- We don't have any money for food. - the poor man replied.

- Oh, come along with me then.

- But sir, I have a wife with two children!

- Bring them along! And you, come with us too! - he said to the other man.

- But sir, I have a wife with six children! - the second man answered.

- Bring them as well!

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says:

- Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied:

- No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!

Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!

- I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?

His new bride matter of factly says:

- No, that's fine with me.

- Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!

Here are some "actual" bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you...
Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery IS NOT a family value

Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.

Save the President: Legalize Perjury

Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail

Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud:

- I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.

The clerk behind the counter said:

- Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods.

- Really?

- Yes sir...they're called bullets!

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard

- has to work at great depths

- has to work upside down

- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work

- has to work in a high humidity environment

- has to work at high temperatures

- does not get weekends and holidays off

- does not get time off after extra hours of work

- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request DENIED for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row

- does not answer immediately to all requests

- does not have a degree

- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work

- shows no fidelity to the workplace

- retires too early

- does not work at all unless pushed from behind

- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouts across the garage:

- Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute!

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively:

- So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic...

- Now try doing it with the engine running!

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

- Oh God! - she screams.

- Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!

- Let's go - says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.

- What seems to be the problem? - he asks.

- I've got a frigging bee up my vagina - screams the woman.

- Get it out!

- I see - says the doctor.

- Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

- Just an inch or two should do it - he says.

After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way. Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

- HOLD IT! - says the boyfriend

- What are you doing?

- Change of plans! - shouts the doctor...

- I've decided to drown the little bastard!

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!" His daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what." The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here - she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked:

- You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?

- Of course I do. It is the Bible. - the lady replies!

- Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? - he asked.

- Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. - she replied.

- Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? - he asked.

- Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. - said the lady.

- What if he isn't in heaven? - the man asked sarcastically.

- Then YOU can ask him. - replied the lady!