A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims:
- Damn, some asshole has my pen!
Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.
Jesus stops them and says:
- Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!
Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.
At which point Jesus looks over and says...
- Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!
Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
→ When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.
Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
→ So they will have something to do in the afternoon.
A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.
The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she's history.
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.
He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
- Yeah daddy, yeah daddy - said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.
- Say, Pop - said the boy.
- Yes - replied his father.
- The bull just screwed the brown cow!
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.
- Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow.
The father went back inside the house.
After a while the boy came in and said:
- Hey, Daddy!
- Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?
- He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!
What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband?
→ "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish."
What does NASA stand for?
→ Need Another Seven Astronauts
→ Need Another Shuttle Also
Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
→ They didn't know it was going to blow up.
Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
→ Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.
On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer?
→ So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll have a rated officer onboard.
How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?
→ Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.
The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!" The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!" Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!" The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days!"
Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:
Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane
Dear GOD:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
Dear GOD:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey
Dear GOD:
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear GOD:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
Dear GOD:
I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison
Dear GOD:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy
Dear GOD:
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
Dear GOD:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD:
Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan
Dear GOD:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD:
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear GOD:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear GOD:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear GOD:
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear GOD:
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.
Dear GOD:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear GOD:
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise
Dear GOD:
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael
Dear GOD:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear GOD:
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear GOD:
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.
Dear GOD:
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott
Dear GOD:
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. - Rob
Dear GOD:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear GOD:
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear GOD:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear GOD:
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles
Dear GOD:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said...
- Yes, there's a nasty bug going around. DOH!
Things You'd Love to Say at Work!
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said:
- I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?
The blonde said:
- I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.
The milkman replied:
- Oh, OK. Pasteurized?
The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said...
- No. Just up to my boobs.
