Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
→ Just in case they get a hole in one.
- Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!
- Caddy: I didn't realize you had played before, sir!
- Golfer: My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!
- Caddy: I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!
- Golfer: Well caddy, do you like my game?
- Caddy: Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequinned pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment.
"I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
#4 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.
#5 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to comit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told co-workers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.
Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odour he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
You might be a redneck if. . .
- You think harass is two words.
- You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
- Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
- Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
- You have more dogs than the local shelter.
- You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
- Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
→ When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
→ It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Why did God invent armadillos?
→ So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell!
Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.
Saint Peter is doing his thing, minding the Gates of Heaven, when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair.
He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come "in" and asks "ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?"
Three guys step foreward......... A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew.
Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price, with a breakdown.
First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. "I think $900.00 should do it" he says. "That would be $300. for materials, $300. for labor, and $300 for me" "Great," says Peter
Next the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time, pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that "These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence, in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art!" The price...$3,000. I'll need $1000 for materials, $1,000 for the finest Italian craftsmen and $1,000 for my profit" "OK" "Thanks" says Peter and now the Jew.
He quickly surveys the Gates and returns to Peter.
The price is $2,900... That's $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the colored guy!
Some good put-downs...ya' never know when you'll need one!
I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.
Are your parents cousins?
Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.
Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?
Oh my God, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?
What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.
After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."
The minister scratched his head....thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer."
The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.
The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist." She said:
- Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. I've read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all.
Preacher says:
- Its right in the book of Matthew. She said:
- No way, I've read that several times and its not mentioned at all!
He said, "It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically...that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!"
A few children's books that didn't make the cut:
After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor".
What did you have for breakfast?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!
What did you have for supper?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!
What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?
→ hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!
This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.
Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said:
- Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!
The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, "well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."
The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."
The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"
He said, "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!"
