Worst jokes

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques of Calling Home
36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head!

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

- Was it the nuns that did it? - the father asked. The boy shook his head and said:

- No.

- Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?

- No.

- The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?

- No - said the son.

- On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!

Take the test...

NO CHEATING!

What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs?

Got your guess ready yet?

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

They shake hands!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

John Hopkins Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department:
A child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain!

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society..

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. (Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.)

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

How To Impress a Woman:

- Compliment her

- Cuddle her

- Kiss her

- Tease her

- Comfort her

- Hug her

- Send her flowers

- Wine and dine her

- Listen to her

- Care for her

- Hold her

- Support her

How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked..... with beer.

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

- Oh my god, I am sooo sorry - the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

- Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

- You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

- No - she replies....

- You just happened to catch my eye. (hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)

What is Iraq's national bird?
→ Duck!

How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire?
→ Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal.

What is the definition of mass confusion?
→ Father's day in Harlem!

Did you hear about the Indian who couldn't tell heads from tails? You should have seen the scalps he took!

A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay.

He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said:

- Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in.

The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said:

- The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say 'YELLOW'!

This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt. The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates.

An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (London's biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a kid joined him.

After a while, the American turned to the kid and said:

- Do you realize, son, that we have buildings like that in the States, only they're three times the size?

- I'm not surprised - said the kid.

- That's a Lunatic Asylum!

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent:

- What you dlink?

The man replies:

- Give me a Stoli with a twist.

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says:

- Once upon time were twee little pigs...

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

- As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

- He also said he wants to screw me all night long!!

By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

- He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night!!!

The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says:

- I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer!