Worst jokes

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

- I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

- I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say:

- I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,

Matt Millen of the Raiders said:

- To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too.

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996:

- Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:

- Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

- I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements:

- I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:

- Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

- That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:

- I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:

- I've won at every level, except college and pro.

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

- He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:

- We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play. (1992)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:

- He wants Texas back. (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning:

- One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:

- But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet. (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:

- I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating. (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:

- It's basically the same, just darker. (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:

- I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot. (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

- I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

- Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject. (1987)

- Customer: Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.

- Tech Support: What seems to be the problem?

- Customer: The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!

- Tech Support: You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.

- Customer: (sputter) (click)

- Tech Support: (snicker)

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly:

- Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this 'yellow' construction paper?

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message:

- Can't find the printer.

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it! (YEE-HAW!)

- Customer: Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No Carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

- Customer: I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.

(Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

- Tech Support: Umm-hmm. What happened?

- Customer: As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized.

- Tech Support: Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?

- Customer: (proudly) I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?

- Tech Support: Er, what happened next?

- Customer: After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type:

- Leave me alone!

They both jumped back, silenced.

- What the . . . - the teacher said. I typed:

- I said leave me alone!

The kid got real upset.

- I didn't do anything to it, I swear!

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

- Me: Don't touch me!

- Her: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard.

- Me: Who do you think you are anyway?!

Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.

- Tech Support: OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters.

- Customer: Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.

Email from a friend:

- CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied:

- It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

- Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

Runners-Up

[AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.

Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.

Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

[AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

[Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Special Merit

[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party

A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

- Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it - Payne said.

- It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.'

- He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips - Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division.

- I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that - Payne said.

[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts:

- I feel so dumb about this.

No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?
→ A member of the Rolling Stones says:

- Hey you! Get off my cloud!

The Scot says:

- Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says:

- Hey! Cut it out, all right!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry,

and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says:

- I said stop it!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry,

and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger:

- What is it with you, anyway?

The rear tiger replies:

- Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

- Well - replied the man - When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.

- Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much - said his friend.

- I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!

The groom nodded gently and said:

- I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said:

- Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS
Government Department of Fish and "WildLife"

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder (2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor (1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator (4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (3) (Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut (2)
6. Honest Attorney (0) (On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat (2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner (2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser (2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender ($100 BOUNTY)