Worst jokes

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked:

- Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?

- Well, yes, I actually did once.

- And how did your husband look?

- Angry, very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said:

- Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

- Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?

- He was looking through the window at us!

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10. Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachickee
11. Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee
12. Tanya Harding's - Camp Wackaneenee
13. Kenneth Star's - Camp Catchacrookee
14. Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey
15. O.J. Simpson's - Camp Killachickee
16. Michael Jackson's - Camp Wannabewhitey
17. President Clinton's - Camp Getahoochie
18. Ellen Degeneras's - Camp Lickacoochie

And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1. Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckapeepee

How to identify a Canadian driver:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER
8. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
9. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
10. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

- Well, Father - began the old man. - At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.

- That's a wonderful thing - interjected the priest. - But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!

- It's gets worse Father - continued the elderly fellow. - I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors.

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded:

- Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.

- Thank you Father - said the old man. - That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?

- Of course, my son - said the priest.

The old man asked:

- Do I have to tell her that the war is over?

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said:

- I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked:

- Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?

The player thought for a moment and then answered:

- 4?

- Did you say 4?! - the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming:

- Come on coach, give him another chance!

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
3. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
4. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
5. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
6. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
7. Illiterate? Write For Help
8. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang:

- Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!

So Dr. Chang said:

- Take off all yu cwothes.

So she did. Then he said:

- Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.

So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said:

- I know what wong with yu... Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!

The lady asked:

- What the heck is that?!

Dr. Chang replied:

- Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt!

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk!

Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?
→ When they came over to this country, they had "To NY" stamped on their foreheads.

A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks:

- Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?

The Saudi replies:

- Excuse me, what's a 'shortage'?

The Russian replies:

- Excuse me, what's meat?

The North Korean replies:

- Excuse me, what's an opinion?

Finally, the American replies:

- What's 'Excuse me?'

What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard?
→ A ride on lawn-mower.

Why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship, they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

One day, a Newfoundlander was rowing his boat back home after catching some fish singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". Meanwhile, some aliens decided to test his intelligence.

They took out 1/4 of his brain and still he sang, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". They took out another 1/4 of his brain, and still he sang "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".

They finally took all of his brains out. The Newfoundlander shook a bit, then started singing "Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques...

HEAVEN Vs. HELL
Heaven: An American salary. A British home. Chinese food. A Japanese wife.
Hell: A Chinese salary. A Japanese home. British food. An American wife.

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped down his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry native Indian stomped up to him and said:

- One more remark like that and I'll whip your butt!

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!