Worst jokes

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:

- I had an affair with a woman - almost.

The priest says:

- What do you mean, 'almost'?

The man says:

- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies:

- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:

- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied:

- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:

- Ah, you're lovely, aren't you? - she says to the first dog.

- What's your name?

To her surprise, the dog actually answers her:

- My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog:

- And what's your name then?

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her:

- My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says:

- your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

"No," replies the last dog:

- My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day!

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says:

- ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!

Wee jordy says:

- aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?

Well she says:

- i can tell by the gleam in your eye.

Walking along a bit further she says to him:

- wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss.

- well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?

- ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!

Walking along a bit further she says:

- wee jordy i can tell you want to make love to me.

He says:

- aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!

"No!" she says...

- by the tilt in your kilt!

What is 6 inches long.....
Has a big head....
Woman love it?????
→ A $100 dollar bill!

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said:

- Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

- Well, I'll be damned - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:

- I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

- I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

You'd make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.

"John," she said:

- did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?

"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife:

- I don't think anyone ever did?

"Well," she snapped:

- then where did you ever get the idea!!!

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it:

- Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes? - the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde:

- my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!