Worst jokes

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said:

- Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?

- Well - said the farmer - that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.

- That's amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs? - said the man.

- Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead.

- But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs.

- And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.

- Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs? - the man said quite annoyed at this point.

- Well - said the farmer - with a pig that special...you have to eat 'em real slow.

Why did the jellybean jump off the cliff?
→ Because he wanted to be a smarty!

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

What was the last thing they gave to Elmo before he left the factory?
→ 2 testtickles!

Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was there with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with a different question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.

St. Peter asked the first nun:

- Nun, Who was the first man on earth?

She replied:

- That would be Adam.

St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her:

- Nun, Who was the first woman on earth?

She replied:

- That would be Eve.

St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her:

- What was the last thing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise?

The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time.

- HHHHMMMM - she said aloud - Thats a hard one.

St. Peter let her through the gates.

Man goes to the bar and says:

- bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says:

- Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.

The man says:

- Just pour them.

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says:

- Hey, you want to talk about it?

The man says:

- No!

and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says:

- Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says:

- Ok, today was my first blowjob.

The bartender says:

- Hey great, have another on the house.

The man says:

- No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying:

- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don't worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs:

- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down:

- honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!

How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?
→ A Buccaneer!

This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

What does a nun wear on a date?
→ A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.