Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.
- Hold it! - says Dummer.
- Why are you throwing all those nails away?
- Because. - says Dum.
- The heads are on the wrong end.
- You dummy! - replies Dummer.
- Those are for the other side of the house!
How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
→ Because they don't have testicles.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.
Why don't men eat more M&M's?
→ They're too hard to peel.
What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
→ Gifted.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
→ A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
→ He's breathing.
What do men and bottles of beer have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
→ Who cares!!!!
What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What Men Know About Women
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One. Men will screw anything!
How do you save a man from drowning?
→ Take your foot off his head.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know - it's never happened.
Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
→ Because they're stupid.
How are men and parking spots alike?
→ The good ones are always taken.
Why do men like love at first sight?
→ It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
→ In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
→ A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
→ They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
→ All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
→ At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
→ Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
→ Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
→ Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
- Would that suit your needs? - he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up.
She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.
After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.
- You see? - she asked, petulantly.
- Yes, I do - said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said:
- Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time...
Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.
Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.
Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!
Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!
Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.
Vacca foeda
Stupid cow
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!
Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan's Island
A lady approaches a priest and tells him:
- Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'
- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.
- Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say:
- Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says:
- PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!
T'was the night before christmas-
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and through down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear
The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money the reindeers all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days- they all are the pits
They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls....
Their arms, legs, and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's
No request for them
They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBM
If you thinks that bad...just picture this
Try holding their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile the parents think I'm wierd
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason
I found me a blonde ...
I'm going south for the season
Grow your own dope! Plant a blonde!
A little boy and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little boy says to the little girl:
- I have a Nintendo!
Little girl says:
- Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a Nintendo!
Little boy says:
- So, my dad's a doctor!
Little girls says:
- My dad's an astronaut!
Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally the little boy pulls down his shorts and proclaims, "But I have on of these!!!!" and shows the little girl his penis.
The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home. The next day, the little girl spots the little boy and proudly announces:
- My mom said that with one of these (pointing to her's) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!
What's the mating call of the blonde?
→ "I'm sooo drunk!"
What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
→ (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.
