Worst jokes

- The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said:

- Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.

He did.

- Now kiss me the way you used to...

- Now darling, bite me the way you used to.

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said:

- Where are you going dear?

- To get my teeth, dear - the husband replied.

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling:

- Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!

She says:

- Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?

He replies:

- I don't care...

Just get the heck out!!

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims:

- Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out:

- Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.

- Aw, go on - the little old lady said in disbelief.

- if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?

The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said:

- I really get two more wishes?

- Yes - the good fairy assured her.

- Anything your heart desires.

- Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman.

Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted.

- Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man.

The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping.

The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured:

- Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.

The director asked the young man his name.

- Penis van Lesbian - the man replied proudly.

- Well - said the director.

- we'll have to change that.

- Oh - the young man said.

- I could never change my name. It's my heritage.

- Well - said the director.

- if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business.

The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

- Do you remember me - asked the young man?

- Yes, I do - said the director.

- I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to.

- Well, I finally took your advice - the young man said.

- I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.

- I told you so - the director replied.

- And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?

- Dick van Dyke.

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

- Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

- Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

- Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked:

- Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?

Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.

Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for...their baby was born!

So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row...all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy...this little baby had to be theirs.

Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.

The nurse, hearing this, said:

- He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
16. He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
17. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
18. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
19. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
20. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
21. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
22. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
23. New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
24. Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
25. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
26. During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
27. Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
28. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?
    Richard Jewell.

And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...

1. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

- Darling - she whispered after they had finished making love.

- Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?

He considered this for a moment, and then replied:

- I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women.