Worst jokes

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.

- Yeah, ma'am - he says to the barmaid - ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?

- Yeah? - says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar.

- If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue.

Life of a Senior Citizen...

- I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

- I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

- I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .

Absolutely nothing!

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . .

- I'm wondering . . If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts . . .

I've just lost the storeroom.

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman pinscher.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
→ Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular:

- Lawyers are horses' asses.

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up:

- Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
→ Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.

- I don't understand, - Cindy complained.

- When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?

Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested:

- Maybe it just saves time.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

- Look, - said one to the other,

- Let's be honest with each other.

- Okay, you first, - replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

- All set back here, Captain, - came the reply,

- except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said:

- Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

- There's a big fire across the street, - the doctor replied.

- We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure.

- Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.

You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
→ A whine cellar.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
→ Both have hearts like stones.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
→ If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true:

- I'm as sober as you are, your honor, - the man claimed.

The judge replied:

- Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
→ You can make a pet out of the snake.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
→ A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
→ Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
→ A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced:

- I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.

- Sit down, - said the judge.

- That is the prosecuting attorney.

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question:

- Have you ever been arrested?

- No, - he answered.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?". Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it:

- Never got caught.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
→ Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
→ Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
→ Another lawyer.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
→ The vulture eventually lets go.

- Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.

- Person 2: Why do you say that?

- Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

- Well, - said the general - we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said:

- you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said:

- you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows:

- Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.

God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said:

- And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
→ The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another:

- Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?

- Really? - the other replied:

- Why did you switch?

- Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

- Do you serve lawyers here?

- Sure do, - replied the bartender.

- Good, - said the man.

- Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ... Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

- Doctor, - she asks nervously - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

- Certainly, - replies the doctor - Where do you think lawyers come from?

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
→ His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
→ Take your foot off his head?
→ No.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
→ When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
→ There was an empty seat.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
→ An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
→ From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
→ In the cemetery.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
→ A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
→ A vampire only sucks blood at night.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
→ It might be your bicycle.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
→ Because deep down, they're really good people.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
→ His personality.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass.

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up - Down - Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says:

- Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???

Mike replies:

- No, he said - 'You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).'

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery"

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opposums was St. Matthew.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead.

- Yeah, I got me a couple of friends - the man said.

When told Egghead was a software store, the man said:

- Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response:

- I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked:

- What power switch?

12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4's and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4's to her 3 1/2's. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didn't know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4's to the same size as the 3 1/2's and put them in the drive!
13. True story from a Novell Netwire Sys Op:

- Caller: Hello, is this tech support?

- Tech Rep: Yes, how may I help you?

- Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?

- Tech Rep: I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?

- Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

- Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?

- Caller: No I didn't get it from a trade show, but it does have a trademark on it, '4X'

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!