Worst jokes

It was late one night and three guys just got done partying. So they needed to find a motel. So they find a super8 motel. They go in to the clerk and get one room because that was all that they could afford. They get to there room and there is only one bed so quickly one guy says, "I get the bed." Then another guy says, "I get the bathroom." Then the last guy says, "I guess I get the closet."

During the middle of the night the guy in the bed has to take a big ol shit. But he remembers the guy in the bathroom so he does his busness in the pillow case and throws it in the closet.

In the morning he gets up and checks on the guy in the bathroom. They both had a great night sleep. So they go and see their friend in the closet. When they asked how his night was he said:

- It was pretty good up until a white ghost jumped in and I kicked the shit out of it.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says:

- I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.

The second can't stand to be bested:

- Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today.

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
   Woman: "Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
   Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
   Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
   Man: "Want to Dance?"
   Woman: "No, thank you."
   Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
   Woman: "It's in the phone book."
   Man: "But I don't know your name."
   Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
   Woman: "Female impersonator."
7. Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
   Woman: (tries to ignore him)
   Man: "You know what? I also love sex.. What do you say to that?"
   Woman: "Hmmm you really love sex and travel?"
   Man: (nods his head smiling)
   Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
8. I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
9. Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
   Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
10. What sign were you born under?
    → No Parking.
11. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"
12. After hearing a pick-up line:
    Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
13. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
14. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
15. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once.
    When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
    He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
16. The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move.
    "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "Well is it the size of donkey or Doberman?"

What do you call an unemployed jester?
→ Nobody's fool.

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf -- Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.

Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ... Push!"

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?

Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor?
→ Make me one with everything.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River?
→ WET rocks.

Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone.

Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditor, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."

Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents." (Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $14.95").

A hardware store has a sign that reads: "Today's special." (Then, below it, in pencil): "So's tomorrow."

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Chinese proverb: "If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum."

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

A guy walks up to his friend and says:

- why do you have 'R' and 'L' on your hands?

He replies:

- So I know which is my left and which is my right.

"Oh" says the guy "Now I know why my wife has C and A written on her panties!"

There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll.

He brought her back to the States and they were very happy.

He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had. Every day it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have." Every night it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have."

Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, "Beautiful Butt."

So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, "There is no way I can get "Beautiful Butt" on your tiny little beautiful butt." But I can put a nice "B" on each cheek which will stand for "Beautiful Butt."

A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B's. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

Quickly sitting up he exclaims:

- Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?

My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the real shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
→ Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

What happens if I press both shift keys?
→ Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
→ Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW
→ Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a hand held blow dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
→ Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
→ Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
→ This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

There are two shift keys, which should I use?
→ Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
→ They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
→ No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
→ Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says:

- Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says:

- Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!

What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun?
→ The nun has a soul full of hope.

What's the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show?
→ The circus is an array of cunning stunts.

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No. "] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."12. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?13. Can I flirt with you?14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?18. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.20. [Grab his/her tush. ] Pardon me, is this seat taken?21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?27. So. . . How am I doin'?28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.