A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said:
- I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.
- Suit yourself - the farmer replied, the hens are round the back.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
- Honey - she signs,
- Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife:
- Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.
- And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times
Welcome to EBONICS 101
Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar...
- Damn- that shit is DOPE!
→ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.
- Can't FADE that.
→ I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time.
- Shante ain't havin' it.
→ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.
- Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats.
→ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.
- YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!
→ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?
- JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!
→ I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.
- What's up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!
→ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.
- She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!
→ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time.
- Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!
→ Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date.
- STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER...
→ It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol.
- Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!
→ Why are the police officers always worried?
- Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT.
→ It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.
Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2.1, squash 3.01 and boys out 1.2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife 1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer 6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it's knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress 1.1 in high memory, Wife 1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.
Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says:
- Hey, I see what your problem is!
- Man: God, my girlfriend is so pretty and has such pretty hair.
- God: I know, I made her that way so you would love her.
- Man: God, she has such beautiful blue eyes.
- God: I know I made them for her so you would love her.
- Man: There is only one thing wrong with her. She is a little dense.
- God: I know.. I made her that way so she could love YOU!
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows for sure.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled:
- Pull, Nellie, pull.
Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled:
- Come on, pull Ranger.
Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud:
- Now pull, Fred, pull hard.
Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said:
- Okay, Benny, pull.
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said:
- Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try.
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could:
- I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.
- So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? - asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied:
- Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said:
- Mommy almost died this morning
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted:
- How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
- Well - mumbled Lucy, soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting:
- Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!! and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.
In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front of him, the person turned and asked, what the hell you are doing?
- Well - said the guy massaging the back, you see I'm a chiropractor and I can't help massaging your back, in fact I can't help practicing my art
- Are you crazy? - the other guy said:
- I'm a lawyer, am I fucking the guy in front of me!
